On the morning of November 30, 2015, I found myself crying out to God.
“Lord, I want to go deeper in you. I feel stuck at this level. Show me what I need to do to go deeper. I want to get lost in you. My walk has become stale and almost predictable. I feel like I’m operating on expired faith and expired testimonies.”
…and what God spoke to me took me by surprise.
He said, “So, you want to go deeper? I need you to release a part of your past that you’ve found comfort in. You trust Me, but you don’t really, really trust Me.”
“Huh? I do trust You, Lord.”
“You do, but not in its entirety. You cannot manipulate Me.”
“Huh? You have my all and—
He stopped me mid-sentence.
“Your ex-husband- I need you to release him. Go deeper with Me…as you have asked…as I do a new thing.”
At that time, tears filled my eyes.
“…but that’s my friend.”
“No, that’s your comfort zone. True, you all are just friends. Physically, you all are divorced but emotionally, you’re still married.”
The tears really started flowing at that point. Here I stood face to face with the truth. True, Deek and I had been separated and divorced for years, but we had still been operating as “husband and wife.” No, not sexually. In fact, we haven’t had sex since we separated, but we were still answering to one another. I was still performing wifely duties as far as using his money to ensure that his bills were paid on time every month. He was still performing husband duties; if I fell in “a tight”, he was there to rescue me. If I was down emotionally, he was there to lift me up. If he had a bad day, I was the one to change that. If we needed a “travel buddy”, we traveled with one another. If I needed to laugh uncontrollably, he had the joke. If he needed a reality check, I gave him a dose of realism.
…and truthfully, we did consider remarrying, but deep down, we knew it would never work. We knew that we were better friends than we could ever be lovers.
So, on the morning of November 30th when God told me to release my friend, it hurt. It hurt because through our divorce we developed a friendship that I wish we had when we were married.
I called my friend that day, and through tears, shared God’s instructions to me, and he understood. He understood very well- so well that I think God had been tugging on him to do the same.
So on November 30, 2015, we cut ALL ties. Whew!! One of the most difficult things I ever had to do, but I trust God.
We don’t always understand His instructions…and we do not suppose to. We’re just supposed to obey. Although we didn’t see the harm in our friendship, God thinks differently.
““My thoughts are nothing like your thoughts,” says the LORD. “And my ways are far beyond anything you could imagine.”
Isaiah 55:8 NLT
Every next level of your life will demand a different you. November 30th was that day for me. If God is instructing you to release someone or something, RELEASE!!!!! It may be difficult, but to get to where you haven’t been, you must go where you haven’t gone and do what you haven’t done.
I don’t know what the future holds, but I know who holds it…and I trust Him.
“For I know the plans I have for you,” says the LORD. “They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope.”
Jeremiah 29:11 NLT
Here’s to my DEEPER!!!!!