When we enter relationships with expectations to change a person, we’re not really attracted to that person…. but to who we want them to be.A lot of people have asked me what happened with my last “relationship.”
“You all seemed so happy. I thought you all would last.”, they would say, “especially since you allowed it to make it to Facebook.”
“Well, we decided to just be friends.” Giving a generic answer and refusing to elaborate.
(I’ve asked his permission to post this because this is not only my transparency but his as well.)
When Davion first expressed interest in me, it was over a year ago. At that time, I had just gone through a divorce and really never gave him a fair chance. We exchanged numbers and made plans to go on a date but as the time came, I kinda pulled away. I knew I wasn’t in an emotional, mental, or spiritual place to give anyone anything.
The chance presented itself again a couple of months ago. He messaged me, we exchanged numbers….again… and we immediately clicked. I mean, the chemistry was crazy, we talked for hours, his mind is simply amazing, his heart and the way he gives so much of himself without expecting nothing is impeccable, the way he paid attention to detail won me over, the way he complimented me on my natural beauty made me feel like the only woman in the world, his sense of humor understood my sense of humor, the provider and man in him provided the security I longed for in a mate, and the little surprises he sent to my job were icing on the cake…
But there was one problem…for me, anyway…
He does not believe in God. (Many probably would say that this would have been a deal breaker from the start.)
Did I know this from the beginning? Of course I did, but I entered this relationship with the expectation to eventually change that. I thought that if He could “see” God in me, he would just believe.
That’s what it’s all about anyway right- to lead others to Christ.
Anyway, as we exchanged stories about our past and experiences, surprisingly, we had gone through some of the same things, suffered some of the same hurts, cried some of the same tears, and have been at the hands of some of the same betrayals. I thought that because people and past experiences had dealt him a bad deck, that this was the reason for his unbelief, but I later realized that it was much deeper than that. I thought that by showing him the same love that God shows me, I could win him over.
I even gave him a nickname in which he hated- “My Minus 1- He had everything that I ever wanted….except a relationship with God.
Now, let me just note this. He isn’t an evil person. He gives so much of himself- always putting himself last-, he cares for people deeply, and when he’s home, he drives around the city, picks up the homeless and takes them to get food and other things they need.
As I said the chemistry was through the roof, so things started moving at a fast pace. The “I love you-s” came unexpectedly quick. We made plans for our future. It was our plans to marry as soon as his plane landed in August, shortly after, move to Hawaii, his next post, and live happily ever after. However, aside from “our plans, I had an additional plan of my own- to get him to BELIEVE by August.
As we continued, I think my plan became evident. He asked, “Are you hoping one day I will believe?” I ignored him and told him I didn’t want to talk about it. I knew being pushy and talking about it would only turn him farther away. Instead I continued to be who I am and prayed for Him, day in and day out. I wanted him to possess that same passion for God as I have. He then asked, “Does it bother you that I don’t believe?” I told him, “Of course not.”
It bothered me like HELL. Although he was all that other “stuff,” I knew I couldn’t marry a man who didn’t love God as much as I do. I knew I couldn’t spend the rest of my life with a man who did not share this passion.
….and he knew he couldn’t marry a woman who was as passionate about the “oppressor” as I am.
We knew that this would eventually turn into a game of Tug-of-War. So we decided to just be- to be who we are- and not try to make each other be something or someone who we are not.
I knew I wasn’t giving up God and he knew he’ll never believe….
So we decided to be just friends.
Is he a bad person? Of course not.
Am I a bad person? Of course not.
We are who we are!
My point is much deeper than my story.
My point is…
Stop trying to change people. It is beyond our human ability. Stop trying to force a person to be who you want them to be. We have to learn to accept people for who they are and make the decision to deal or not to deal. When we try to change people or when we want people to change, we only frustrate ourselves.
“Fall in love with the person at hand, not with the person you foresee them becoming. This is where the mistake is made. A genuine person is going to show you exactly who they are. Don’t create an image. There’s no need to develop a perception of them or what they could possibly be. Accept them as is, or not at all.”