Almost two years ago, I was stripped of everything…..from my marriage right down to my self-esteem….and had to start all over. I had to move from Belzoni to Greenville, start a new job, get acquainted with new coworkers, and a new environment—which made the pain from my circumstances even more trying and agonizing.
I was angry at everybody- with myself, with my parents, my ex-husband, but mostly with God. Often times, I’d think, “God, if you love me, why am I in this place?”
I’d wake up crying and go to bed crying…and In between, I dressed up, did my makeup perfectly, put on my tallest heels, and took the perfect “selfies” with captions that portrayed that I was okay and living the “perfect” life….
when in reality, I was broken and at that time, couldn’t see where I could ever be repaired.
….and because I thought I was broken beyond repair, I turned to
meaningless relationships, alcohol, spending money I didn’t have, traveling all over the world, and anything else I thought would feel the void….only to find myself more broken after each encounter.
I suffered in silence through it all…and can I be entirely honest?
I would pray and ask God to take me and even contemplated suicide not once, but several times.
It had gotten to the point where I couldn’t cry anymore and I saw that as the only way to end the pain.
Almost every night, I’d lay awake dreading the day ahead, tossing and turning. One night in particular, the pain was so intense and
I was desperate for relief. I had heard people talk about a prayer closet. So, I went in my closet and told God I wasn’t leaving until He moved for me like some of the stories I had heard.
In that moment, as I sat in the darkness and silence, I was moved to pray. As the words flowed from my mouth, I didn’t even recognize the voice. It was like someone was speaking through me. I think I was in there for almost an hour. In that hour, I cried, I sobbed, I cried some more, and I released.
I came out of that closet totally different. Someone I didn’t recognize. I felt refreshed, renewed, and ready to take on the world. From that moment, I adopted my closet as my “safe haven.” What I experience when I’m in there can’t quite be put into words.
Am I saying that my situation changed immediately that night? Of course not.
The pain was still there. My circumstances were still the same. The only difference was my focus had been adjusted. My focus was shifted from my problems to my problem solver!
Problems are a part of life. Find you a “safe haven”. Pray. Shift your focus and watch those problems and situations that once held you captive grow dim. You don’t have to be held as a prisoner by your problems, and you don’t have to suffer in silence and alone like I did. God is your present help! He’s waiting on you!
You can either be a victim in your story or you can share how you came out of your story victorious!!
Your pain is your preparation!!! Stay the course!!!! It gets greater later!!!!